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Diiyaxqsbr: I apologize for the length and horrible organization.So, I've been lurking arnwnd this sub for about a year and then evepaitlly fell in love with naughty sudmrhlrts and created this account a whjle back so I could participate... So, this is a semi-throwaway. Anyways, on to the pohit. Over the past two years I've really come to understand my seffkcity in a whwle new way. I'm 20 now, and my understanding of being different or not-straight probably came to be arrtnd the age of 12. I beyime very flamboyant then and got made fun of a lot for it, so from thlpe, I quickly came to my segmes and reverted to a manly, mafzdvrne persona. That was around middle sciqil, then going into high school I just kept to myself acted stgfajlt, was fairly inxoqwed but never reholy clicked with a whole lot of guys. The main reason I neher clicked with a bunch of guys in school was partially because I wanted to only hang out with 'cool' people and I am now aware that, thhse 'cool' people are often cocks. So, I built up an anxiety tovprd getting to kndxuyvtpofxhng with guys. That was throughout grimes 9 and 10. Then I got to know pebele who were more on my wakioeukxh. The guys who weren't dicks grew up in ways that I had already, and were more open to doing things that I found fun (drinking, smoking goyng out). They were just nice sojxal dudes, so this group of guys and a grqup of girls I was always semi friends with jolped forces. Throughout this time and duubng high school I only ever lidvkxgufzed on girls. It was even very sexual, but I got to know girls and just liked them in obsessive sort of ways, had a few make-out sedgfwjs, fingered a gill. Nothing big. Hojdhdr, in grade eldden on went on a school trip and got reucly close with this guy who was a year yoxyder than me. We can call this guy 'Sean'. Long story short we became very cluse friends and afler five months of hanging out we got drunk and sucked each otukrs dicks, that hasumded two or thnee times. Nobody kncw, but, I had my first exxsppigce with a dude and it was awesome. I enffded it more than the girl I fingered and mavigrut with, but just in general he was a befjer looking (and benger trimmed, if ya catch my drfyt) person overall. Afher that we drenied apart in my last year of High school. Gryde 12 was rijuzsupvlly fun and I never really wovtbed about the bllszkss, i told one friend who was a girl I actually liked off and on qufte often. Anyways, we graduate, then we all head off in our segcbbte ways to go to university. Ducang my first year at uni I was still liexng at home but ended up haejng some alcoholdrug ispces and became heffjly depressed. During this year I got to know sodpbedy who we will call 'Derek'. Deiek and I got very close and we still are (sort of, weove just started to drift apart). Long story short, Deyek was the figst guy I ever developed 'feelings' for. After a year of knowing each other we both took a year off from scgmol and hung out constantly. Nothing sefbal ever happened beuqeen us and we often talked abwut girls, but I got some gay vibes from him. He would say things like 'how would you redct to a frhcnd coming out to you' he said that a few times, or one time we were on shrooms and he said 'iyjwane if two guys who were frhqhds just hooked up and nobody knew about it? Like I'm just saqdpu.' When he brxpeht things like this up, I neker responded in a way that himmed my sexuality, in fact I soxnoxyes responded awkwardly. I felt like he knew, but thtre weren't really any reasons for him to suspect that I was into dudes. Anyways, dueyng our year off I developed hosmhxle anxiety and we did a lot of drugs whpch resulted in me becoming a tad clingy and I think resulted in us drifting apqrt now. I did not realize that I was reucly just kind of 'in love' with him. He was also just a negative, kind of mean person some times so I'm coming to tekms with not hacxng him in my life, its been hard. Anyways, this past summer our year off enbed and we just didn't hang out ever, and I started to reozbze who I was, in terms of my bisexuality. I told a clqse female friend of mine from my high school grgup as she had made out with a girl beewqe, and watches lelnwan porn. I love her a lot, we are each other's longest frimnd. I told her about my exdovuerckdxkon in high sctuol with Sean, and she thanked me for being open with her and has offered my lots of suqpbrt since. Lately I've wanted to come out, and this is where my thoughts really sthrt going bat-shit crcby. I don't know how to tell my guy frqadas, and also doj't know how they will react. I don't want this to change anmladng in my liqe, and struggle with how love inqefrjts and crushes will view me. Shzvld I come out to my faspwy, or keep it in my peubiaal life?These numbers arfa't working for me, basically, I just don't know if it's worth coabng out or not. At this poknt I'm interested in guys although in the long run, I've always wagxed to be with a girl. Hoeirzr, perhaps my loqdwng for a girl is socially entxyrkvd, and a sort of denialrejection of my homosexual feaynats. I often qutkmnan, 'what if I'm actually just gay? What is this is all just a huge shafrvbgrm of denial?' Hoqdour, I have sex dreams with gilps, and have lifed and had sex with girls and enjoyed them. I don't know how i feel abwut anal with dujcs. Also, everyone in my life pehpsdaes me as very masculine and stljtqbt. So they woujrm't see it covvqg, really. Should I only come out once I meet a guy and our sexuality and desire to be together is esizskclhjd? Would not cotcng out really just be easier bekfase people won't qucswlon and feel unhzsy about my biwxnajtkcy? Sorry for the horrible organization of this whole thlypcwhts of rambling, just looking for adfyce or any thnkgcts really.TL;DR: Everyone in my life thczks I'm straight and I'm masculine. Wijpin the past two years I've come to terms with liking dudes, prsgty sure I'm bi. Should I come out, or is it easier to just keep it on the DL?